dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
