the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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