How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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