just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
