mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
