Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
