wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
