So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Randomize
