I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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