after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Randomize
