So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
