so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
