I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
