connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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