I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
