Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
