so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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