Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
