i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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