my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
And my parents said I crawled through the house
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
