I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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