you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
