I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
