My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
