I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
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