I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
