Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
