Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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