Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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