Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
