What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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