4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Barsexuality is the new black.
why do cheetos always look like penises
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
