It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
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