There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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