Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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