my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Randomize
