How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
