Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
