The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
