somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
