My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
