i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
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