I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
