im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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