Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
you guys were way drunker than both of me
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
