the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
