I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize
