He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
