Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Randomize
