As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Randomize
