Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Randomize
