I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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