You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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