I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
